Blog Personal Growth and Mental Health

Watching The Movie of Your Life Will Shock You

In my last blog post, I talked about a breakthrough I had at a luxury manifestation retreat in the Bahamas. This post is part two of that. It relates to the breakthrough I shared in my last post, but was a much deeper experience. (The events I’m describing here happened after the events of the previous blog post.)

The last morning of the retreat we had a guided music meditation, hosted by an incredible musician who goes by “A Soul Call Joel” on all platforms. He is a guitarist who works with India Arie, and an all around amazing guy. You know those people who make you feel immediately calm and grounded when you are in their presence? That’s Joel.

When I first saw this music meditation on the schedule (before I met Joel), I wasn’t overly excited about it. Full disclosure, I usually don’t like affirmation songs and music.

The morning of, I found a spot sharing one half of a giant plush white chair in the living room of our villa, put my notebook on my lap and my water bottle on the floor next to me and settled in. Joel did a sound check and got everything set up while we chatted and enjoyed the ocean views through the massive walls of windows that surrounded us. After sitting next to Joel at dinner the night before and getting to know him, I went into this meditation thinking it was just going to be a chill, laid back time. It was not.

Joel instructed us to focus on our breathing and close our eyes as he played and sang. He started a song called, “I am the love of my life.” We took some more deep breaths to the hypnotic sounds of his guitar, and he said, “Now take two minutes, and watch the movie of your life from birth to now.”

Mere seconds into this exercise, I started to hear sniffles and quiet crying from the women around me.

I’ve done a lot of therapy and trauma processing, so going back over my life in this way isn’t new to me. My first thought was, “Oh, fuck, I’m about to watch a very sad movie.”

I followed instructions though, and started at my birth. I thought that what would strike me would be the trauma and the sadness I remembered from my childhood. The isolation and the loneliness.

But when I watched the movie of my life starting from birth, it wasn’t at all like my memory of it. What struck me was not the trauma, but the love. I was shocked to see so much love and support directed at me from so many different people. (By this point, I am also crying enthusiastically.)

I couldn’t believe it. My whole life, I had always vaguely felt like it was just me on my own, isolated and different from other people. I thought that I didn’t feel love and support and belonging because people weren’t giving me enough love and support and belonging. I really believed that on a subconscious level.

And that’s kind of a shitty thing to admit, but I had this really deep unconscious belief that if the people in my life loved me enough, I would be able to feel it.

And I couldn’t feel it.

But when I watched the movie of my life, I was so blown away by how much everyone in my life was loving me, supporting me, rooting for me and genuinely wanting me to succeed. And meanwhile, I’d been going through life feeling alone.

I had been feeling like people didn’t love me enough, feeling like I couldn’t be vulnerable, I couldn’t show any weakness, because people would want to exploit it and take me down. It was a very unconscious me vs. them attitude and this pervasive thought of, “I need to protect myself from these people.”

When I could see everything from a different vantage point as an outside observer, I could see that these people never wanted to hurt me. They love me. They’ve been trying so hard to support me, and love me.

And that’s when I realized that the loneliness and the isolation and the lack of connection that I had been feeling was not because people weren’t giving me love, it was because I wasn’t receiving it.

That realization blew my mind.

It was like I had a jar with the top on, and people were pouring love into it. And it’s just hitting the top of the jar and bouncing off. And then I’m saying there’s not enough love. There’s not enough love being poured on.

In truth, there was a lot of love being poured on, I just wasn’t receiving it. The top was on the fucking jar.

I realized that my way of being – not wanting to show weakness, not wanting to be vulnerable, not wanting anyone to see me sweat – was the reason I couldn’t feel love. I wasn’t being authentic. I wasn’t letting people see the real me.

They couldn’t see the authenticity, the “weakness,” those times of struggle that I hid. And that’s why I couldn’t connect with them.

I had noticed with my business partner and with my wife that when I would have these (rare) moments that I would label “weakness”, true moments of vulnerability, of humanity, of struggling with something or crying about something, I could tell they were happy about it. I could feel them leaning in and smiling.

And I interpreted that as, “These assholes. They want to see me weak! If they really loved me, why would they want that? I’m not going to give them the satisfaction.”

It’s crazy to admit that I had these subconscious thoughts about people in my life who loved me, but it made me mad that they were happy when I felt like I was weak. And what I got during that meditation was that they weren’t happy that I was feeling bad. They wanted to connect with me, because they love me, they wanted an opportunity to support me, and to actually connect with me.

And when I’m in those moments, that’s when they’re actually able to contribute to me.

I realized that it feels so good to contribute to other people. I love doing that. And I had been withholding that gift from the people in my life, I had not been letting them contribute to me in any real way.

I’d been letting them contribute to me in terms of doing things for me like implementing things for me and doing tasks for me, but in terms of actually letting them see me at my most vulnerable, and show up for me and support me the way that they want to, the way that we all want to, the way that allows us to truly connect, I had not been letting them do that.

I was so scared that if I opened up, I would get hurt.

Before this exercise, when I looked back on my life, I remembered the people who were mean to me. I remembered the frenemies who tried to sabotage me and make my life harder or make me look bad. I remembered the kids who told me I was ugly or told me I was fat. That stuff that really stuck with me.

I made those painful events mean that people are cruel and I can’t trust them with my sensitive heart. But when I watched this movie of my life, I saw that those people who were mean to me were such a minority, and that 95% of the people in my life or more loved me. The vast majority of people in my life had been loving me and supporting me and I couldn’t see it. I was so closed off because of those few people who didn’t love and support me (which I now understand was for their own reasons that had nothing to do with me).

I closed myself off in response to the pain, and then I was closed off to all the love and support, too.

So the commitment that I’m making after seeing this is to be vulnerable, to be honest, to be open, and to allow people to see who I really am, and to contribute to me in a real way,

Because I understand now that that is the only way to feel true connection and to actually receive the love and support that has been all around me for my whole life.

I decided to share this breakthrough with you in a very warts and all way, because I hope that it helps you.

And if you feel that lack that I felt, I would encourage you to ask yourself if there truly is any real lack, or if you merely need to open the jar and let in everything that is already there for you.

Note: This blog post is adapted from a live video I did sharing this experience. If off the cuff, live talking is your jam, check that video out here


S1E1: My Story

S1E1: My Story

In the inaugural episode of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn, tells her story about losing her dad to suicide in 2015. 

The day Margy’s dad died, Margy was living across the world in Asia. When she got the call that her dad had died by suicide, she was entirely shell-shocked. Pretty soon, she would have to face this reality head-on, and she found that this experience completely transformed her life.

When Margy returned to her dad’s house, completely broken, she found that the house was completely unlivable. Her dad had been a hoarder, and it was now up to Margy to clean the house. She spent 5 entire months cleaning every single day. What initially seemed like an impossible task became an incredible achievement.

The impact of grief is not black and white. It affects us in so many different and conflicting ways. However, profound loss is one of the many ways life can tear down our beliefs about who we are and what we are capable of.

Overcoming something that was insurmountable didn’t magically solve Margy’s problems. It didn’t heal the pain. But it did change Margy’s life and has had a lasting impact on Margy as a human being, and Margy as an entrepreneur. 


S1E2: Chris

In this episode of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn speaks with Chris Kenney. 

Chris Kenney is a multi 7-figure business owner and a sought-after business leverage expert who teaches coaches and consultants the Chris Kenney Sales Mastery Formula. This episode tells the story of Chris losing his dad and his sister.

In 2016, Chris was in London for a speaking event when he found out that his dad had died suddenly and unexpectedly. Chris had come home for the funeral the next week and was spending time with his brothers and sisters. The very next day after the funeral, Chris’s 17-year-old sister died from a cocaine overdose. Chris had also just learned that his father’s cause of death was from fentanyl-laced heroin.

One thing that started to help Chris put his life back together was to start teaching from the experience. Being able to teach, learn, and help others from this terrible experience started to create meaning from their deaths.

Another thing that Chris did to cope was drinking. A lot.


It took three years of Chris asking himself, “What are you resisting?” to finally find the answer. Chris was resisting quitting drinking, even though he knew he had to. 

He knew that the deaths of his father and his sister would be for nothing if Chris didn’t learn from the experience in some way. Chris had to choose that he wouldn’t be a victim. He had to choose how to respond to the events that happened in his life. After Chris stopped resisting the lesson that the universe was trying to show him, he was able to quit drinking.

Once he was able to stop drinking, Chris added 1.6 million dollars in revenue to his business in 2020. The deaths of Chris’s father and sister allowed Chris to finally stop resisting the lesson and stop his own substance abuse before it was too late.


S1E3: Brandi

In the third episode of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn speaks with Brandi Bernoskie.

Brandi is a digital strategist, website developer, and founder of Alchemy+Aim and North Star Sites, companies that help entrepreneurs and business owners elevate their online presence and enhance their digital experience. She is an advocate for using technology in ways that humanize, connect and serve people as well as for asking deeper philosophical questions and teaching others to think more broadly about impact when they create.

Brandi and Margy met at the Ali Brown Iconic Event in Miami. While they were sitting at lunch, Brandi and Margy started sharing stories of loss and grief. That conversation is part of what inspired Margy to create this podcast as a space to share stories about loss and how it has impacted us.

Brandi agrees and is an advocate for normalizing the process of grief. It’s so important to feel like you don’t have to hide your grief, or only grieve when you’re alone. Brandi explains that there is a lot of potential for healing when we share what we’re going through with others. 

Brandi has always followed her curiosity. She has a BFA in theater, and minors in physics and math. She also ended up getting a bachelor’s degree in physics, philosophy, and religion with another minor in math. Brandi also spent two years in a Ph.D. program in philosophy of science and science studies. She loves to think bigger about who we are in the world.

Two and a half years ago, Brandi lost her mother to cancer. Her mother’s battle with cancer was up and down, going through chemotherapy and surgeries to give her more time. Brandi moved back home to be closer to her mom in her final months. After moving her mother to hospice, Brandi realized that her mother’s body was like a prison for her mother. 

Brandi explains that, even though you want your loved one to stay with you so badly, you realize you have to let them go. There is so much heartbreak and absolute beauty in that moment of gut-wrenching loss but knowing that you were there as the person that your loved one needed.

Loss profoundly shaped Brandi. She learned that the stages of grief are not linear things. Her grief pops up at seemingly random times. But she actually learned something very important in a business mastermind. She learned that it’s okay to go fetal and feel your emotions. Brandi let herself feel my emotions anytime they came up. While grieving her mother’s death, Brandi also learned that being honest and vulnerable led to deeper relationships with her clients. 

Ultimately, Brandi knows that her grief was the price of love, and she loved her mother so much. 

You can connect with Brandi on Instagram –


S1E4: Brandi Part 2

S1E4: Brandi Part 2

In this special episode of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn continues her conversation with Brandi Bernoskie. 

If you haven’t listened to episode 3, go back and check that episode out! After Margy and Brandi stopped recording, they couldn’t stop talking so they decided to record a Part II. 

This episode focuses on the grief experienced when losing a pet. After Brandi’s mother passed, Brandi also lost her cat of 16 years, Hugo. Even though Brandi knew she would likely outlive her cat, it didn’t make the process any easier. Hugo became very sick, and Brandi had to syringe feed him to keep him alive. After Hugo passed, Brandi experienced incredible heartbreak.

Hugo was Brandi’s soulmate. He was with Brandi through the most confusing times of her life, through abusive relationships, and through the difficulty of starting a business. The only constant in Brandi’s life was Hugo’s love. 

Losing Hugo was the greatest heartbreak of Brandi’s life. The loss of Hugo was particularly hard because Brandi had just lost her mom. Brandi didn’t have her best friend, her mom, to comfort her. Without Hugo, Brandi’s days feel emptier, and it reminds her of the emptiness she experienced losing her mom.

Brandi explains that when that love you experienced was unconditional, you process that grief entirely differently. She felt like she had time to process and grieve her mother while she was sick. However, Hugo’s death happened so quickly she didn’t feel like she had that time.

Brandi and Margy talk about how positive events in your life can still trigger the trauma and grief from loss. Margy recently got engaged and realized that when you hit a big milestone that is supposed to be a happy event, you can get hit with all the feelings of wishing your loved one could be with you to experience it. Ultimately, Margy and Brandi have found healing in feeling their emotions and telling their stories. The goal of this podcast is to create a safe space for people to feel those emotions connected to loss and grief and talk through them.

You can connect with Brandi on Instagram @brandibernoskie .


S1E5: Rubina

In the fifth episode of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn speaks with Rubina Cohen. 

Rubina is an expert marketer who has helped numerous businesses and individuals develop and implement profit-raising marketing strategies. Rubina guides entrepreneurs, freelancers, and marketing managers in mastering their marketing efforts and elevating their strategic outcomes. 

Rubina lost her mother at the young age of 12. Her mother was sick most of Rubina’s life.  As the middle child, Rubina took responsibility for her younger siblings while her mother was sick. Rubina had to grow up really fast as she was taking care of herself, her siblings, and her mom all at the same time.

When Rubina’s mother passed away, Rubina was pulled out of school. Her father wanted her to be homeschooled so she could take care of the household and she essentially became the matriarch of the family. Rubina really felt like she was mourning both the loss of her mother and the loss of her childhood.

After rejecting an arranged marriage, Rubina ran away from home and attended college. She didn’t speak to her father for a few years, but thankfully Rubina and her father now have a great relationship. While she was in college, she had to rebuild a family with people she was meeting in an entirely new place.

Even though this was an immense challenge, Rubina reframed it in her mind as an adventure and as an opportunity. Reframing was integral for Rubina to not feel like a victim. With every challenge, she asked herself, “What am I supposed to learn from this?”

Rubina highly recommends that everyone should acknowledge and embrace that challenge that they’ve been through. For Rubina, she is thankful for the challenges because they showed Rubina who she really is and what she is capable of.

You can connect with Rubina at her website


S1E6: Jacqueline

S1E6: Jacqueline

In this episode of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn speaks with Jacqueline Nagle.

Jacqueline has forged a successful career dependent on redefinition and evolution. She has conceptualized and deployed strategies and projects which have driven rapid multiple 7 and 8 figure growth repeatedly. Realizing that the only way ‘out’ is ‘through’ Jacqueline has emerged from personal and professional firestorms knowing first hand that the scars from our past and the demons in our mind must be dealt with to truly create a brighter, clearer future.

Working through more than just a business loss, professional smashing, and profound heartbreak, Jacqueline is determined to bring the whole of her experience to the forefront in helping the people surrounding her understand anything is possible.

In the last few years, Jacqueline had been doing work in resilience and mental strength which led her to a new understanding of grief. Grief is not just the loss of a person, it is the loss of something that you love. That loss can be a way of life, can be a business, or can be the death of someone. We automatically relate grief to the loss of somebody, but grief and grief reactions and processes actually exist wherever there is the loss of something that you love.

Jacqueline lost her right-hand woman. Jacqueline and Alicia were in total flow. Everything they did together worked. Alicia was suffering from bipolar disorder. She never got treatment because she felt like if she got rid of the bad, she would get rid of the good. Alicia’s best friend died of cancer and became a trigger for her bipolar. 

After taking some time off, Alicia came back to work but she wasn’t the same. It was the first time Jacqueline believed in the soul. She would look into Alicia’s eyes, and her eyes were so empty, devoid of a soul. Jacqueline had stopped Alicia from killing herself a number of times, but Alicia’s 7th attempt at taking her life was successful.

Jacqueline was completely shattered. She was then told she would not be welcome at the funeral. Alicia’s husband categorically blamed Jacqueline for her death and the community stepped back from Jacqueline and her team. She felt like she was high-functioning walking dead. It took a long time for Jacqueline to deal with it and get through it.

If you are busy and don’t take the time, no matter how much time has passed you won’t be able to go through it and process that grief. Jacqueline realized she had never processed her grief. She had a stored grief reaction in her body, and 6 years later, she realized she had to do the work. You can’t side-step grief. 

Jacqueline reminds us that we can trust something, but until we believe in it we can’t actually bring it to life. Trust is the logical analytical assessment, but believing comes from deep within your heart. When recovering from grief, every step is important, and every step is an achievement. Every single day there is something you can celebrate. But you have to do the damn work.

You can connect with Jacqueline at and


S1E7: Debra

In the final episode of Season One of We Get It Your Dad Died, host Margy Feldhuhn speaks with Debra Driscoll.

Debra Lynne Driscoll is a Grief Guide, Author, Healer, and Speaker. Through spiritual practice and creative process, Debra works with groups and individuals to ease the ‘ouch’ of loss and open to the heart and soul expansion possible when we surrender and journey with life, death, grief, and loss.

Debra first dealt with the grief after the man she loved took his life. Debra was only 20. Seven months later, Debra’s father unexpectedly died. She felt like she was swimming in grief, with massive waves hitting her. That’s when Debra began her journey of healing and grieving. 

She realized she couldn’t continue to deny it, or force herself to be so busy that she doesn’t have the time to process it. Grief would come, seemingly out of nowhere, and strike Debra down again. Grief continues to get heavier the longer you go without processing it. Debra was on her journey of exploring spiritual practices and healing techniques so she could then process her grief.

One month before her son Sage’s 11th birthday, he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep. Debra was entirely devastated. She asked herself, “If I apply all these things that I have learned, will I be able to swim in these waves?” That is what helped Debra pick herself up and process the grief of losing her son.

Grief is not linear. Processing her grief was a series of surrenders for Debra. She continued returning to the promise she made to herself: “I will work with this, I will not deny this. I will continue to surrender to the question, what is here for me, what can I learn, what is possible within this?” That was a grounding place for Debra to return to when she was lost at sea under the waves of grief.

In Debra’s healing work, she uses the concept that grief has relationship to joy. If we minimize one feeling, like grief, we minimize them all, like joy. When grief comes to the heart, the heart breaks and that’s universal. Debra asks, how do we build the capacity of our heart? If we are seeking more joy, how can we build that?  

Debra started thinking about building muscle. When we work out and strengthen our muscles, the muscles are sore the next day because our muscle fibers have been stretched and broken. The process of those fibers healing themselves is what strengthens our muscles. Debra applied this concept to our hearts. Grief comes and breaks our heart and the process of working with grief helps us to build those fibers back together and strengthens that heart.

You can connect with Debra at At her website, you can purchase her memoir, or you can download a sample read.


S2E1: Kristine

Richard Carlson was 45 and in seemingly perfect health when he died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism on a flight from California to New York. Richard is well known as the best selling author of the self help classic, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.

I spoke with Richard’s wife Kristine Carlson, a best selling author in her own right, about the impact of losing Richard so suddenly. Her perspectives on grief, loss, and creating joy out of even the darkest moments are powerful. She also shared a story that I guarantee will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up because it is SO unbelievable.

Connect with Kristine at and check out her book HeartBroken Open: A True Story of Coming Alive Again After Profound Loss.


S2E2: Mo

Ali was only 21 years old when he died unexpectedly on the operating table during a routine appendix surgery.

I sat down with Ali’s dad Mo Gawdat, best selling author and former Chief Business Officer of Google X, to discuss the incredible aftermath of that loss. When you hear about Ali, he strikes you as being more of a spiritual teacher than your average 20 year old, and the wisdom and kindness he showed in his life is something people of all ages can learn from.

Mo addresses grief from the perspective of a brilliant engineer, a truly unique approach that I know many will benefit from. This was one of my absolute favorite conversations; we talked about everything from kindness to strangers to the nature of reality and whether quantum physics can prove that life is more like a video game than we might think. Mo shares why he was inspired by Ali to give up a life that was externally wildly successfully (think 16 car garage) to embark on his mission of making 1 billion people happy.

This is the longest episode in the series because it was one of those conversations you just never want to end. I hope you get as much out of it as I did! 

You can learn more about Mo and his work at, connect with him on Instagram @mo_gawdat, and check out his podcast, Slow Mo.