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Podcasts

S2E3: Monique

How do we grieve an abuser?

I am so grateful to Monique Allen for being willing to share so openly on this episode. This is a conversation that is very underrepresented in the dialogue about grief. There aren’t enough spaces talking openly about grief in any capacity, but in the ones that do exist so often it’s a conversation around healing from the loss of someone described by all as a great person. While no one is perfect, the dead sometimes take on a Saint like quality in the minds of those left behind.

But for some grievers whose loved ones were difficult or even abusive in life, it is not so easy to imagine them with rose colored glasses. Still, the pain and grief of losing someone who was abusive or sometimes hard to love is no less valid and no less painful. I believe this type of grief can be even more complex because of the seeming opposition of the persons imperfection, with our very real feelings of love and heartbreak at their loss. Add to this the trauma from our past interactions with them getting triggered and kicked up by the loss, and you have a very courageous healing journey.

The choice to forgive an abuser is an extremely personal one, but one Monique made for herself and her own healing. If you are grieving an abusive parent (even if they are still alive), a mentally ill loved one or even the loss of a toxic relationship, I hope this conversation is healing for you and a reminder that you are not alone. Regardless of how your person acted in life, your feelings of loss are valid, as are feelings of relief or anything else that comes up. People are complex, and nuanced and multi dimensional and so is loss. And if no one has told you recently, you are so so brave. 

Connect with Monique on Instagram @monique.allen and on her business’ account @thegardencontinuum .

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Podcasts

S2E4: Tracy

How often do you actually see other people? How often do you make eye contact and smile at the person working at the grocery check out? Do you always take the opportunity to be present and fully acknowledge the human being right in front of you?

This conversation with Tracy Litt inspired me to change the way I approach all these small interactions throughout the day. Tracy’s mother Toby was a master at this. She always took the opportunity to let others know they were seen and loved, even strangers.

This was the first ever episode where I issued a challenge. In a world that is increasingly divided, #thetobychallenge is a call to intentionally see and connect with the people in your daily life. Check out Tracy’s episode where she generously shares the wisdom she learned from her mom Toby, and if you decide to take on #thetobychallenge tag us and let us know! I can think of no more fitting legacy for Toby than to spread some much needed love and connection. ❤️ Especially around the holidays, you never know who really needs a genuine smile or kind word.


Connect with Tracy at thelittfactor.com and on social media @thelittfactor

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Podcasts

S2E5: Elisabeth

What if the things you feel most shame about have nothing to do with who you are as a person? This episode offers the most powerful gift of all; freedom from shame and self loathing.

In this finale episode of Season 2, we break from the norm. This conversation doesn’t feature a death, but is one of the most profound and valuable conversations I’ve ever had.

We went deep into topics like codependency, binge eating, self harm and boundaries. Elisabeth Kristof shares incredible wisdom that will make you rethink everything you thought you knew about trauma, grief and those negative habits that seem to keep playing out in your life, no matter how much you try to change. When you look at your “toxic traits” through the lens of a dysregulated nervous system, you are suddenly free to drop the self judgement and shame and create a new possibility. Elisabeth also offers actionable tips to get regulated and start healing right away.

No matter who you are or what you’ve done, this episode will bring you peace.

Learn more about Elisabeth’s work at brainbased-wellness.com and check out her video drills to help you regulate your central nervous system when you’re experiencing stress.

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Podcasts

S3E1: Suzy

In the first episode of season 3 for We Get it Your Dad Died, Margy Feldhuhn invites Suzy Ashworth to discuss the loss of her parents. Suzy’s foster parents were found in the back of a magazine and they raised her from the age of 3 months old. In this conversation, they discuss how Suzy’s parents raised her and her sister in an environment that balanced freedom with building a strong work ethic. They explore how the relationship between themselves and their loved ones evolve even after they pass, and how these reflections impact their lives.
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Podcasts

S3E2: Sam

In this episode of We Get it Your Dad Died, Margy Feldhuhn is joined by Sam Jayanti. At 12 years old, both of Sam’s parents and her brother died in a plane crash. She was left with her nanny and her dog to recover from this tragedy. The three of them moved to India to live with Sam’s aunt and uncle with this question: Will we survive this, or will it ruin us?

Listen to Margy and Sam discuss the impact this tragedy has had on her. She swallowed her vulnerability, and it wasn’t until she was in college college when one person was the catalyst to begin her healing journey.
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Podcasts

S3E3: Melisa

In this episode of we get it your dad died, Margy invites Melisa Keenan on the show. Melisa’s father was a free-spirit and street drug addict for most of his life. When Melisa needed it most, he tamed himself and those who knew him were so excited that he finally found the motivation to turn his life around. Three weeks later, he was diagnosed with cancer. 

 

This episode will make you laugh and cry as you hear Melisa share the stories of her father and how her relationship with him evolved, even after his passing.

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Podcasts

S3E4: Alicia

S3E4: Alicia



Margy is joined by Alicia Cramer on this episode of We Get it Your Dad Died. Growing up, Alicia’s mother went through a series of abusive relationships and would often drop her off at a relatives house to stay safe. As she got older, she realized that she was repeating the self-destructive patterns that her mother had demonstrated for her. The healing that she needed was not happening, and instead her anxieties grew to the point where they were running her everyday life. Was she going to let them?

 

Alicia dove into every holistic healing modality that she could find. As she explored about the principles of energy, she realized that the first step was to take personal responsibility.

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Blog Personal Growth and Mental Health

When I Wasn’t Aligned with Self Love, I Literally Couldn’t Hear the Love and Support That Was All Around Me

I Set Out to Find an Executive Coach, and Ended Up Sharing My Deepest Insecurities with a Bunch of Strangers in a 35 Million Dollar Mansion

Last week, I went on a luxury manifestation retreat to the Bahamas. I didn’t know what to expect when I signed up, but it sure wasn’t what I got…

I stumbled across the retreat somewhat by accident. I had been feeling for a while that I wanted some type of coaching that was just for me. Since I own a business 50/50, this had never occurred to me as an option. My partner and I always worked with coaches and mentors together, went to the same retreats, etc. As our roles have become more defined however and I’ve stepped fully into the seat of CEO, I realized I needed something more. As the saying goes, it’s lonely at the top (lonely isn’t the perfect word, but you get what I mean).

I was coaching and mentoring and pouring into our highest levels of leadership (including my business partner) but had no one who was focused on me and helping me grow into my next level. I recognized that in order to pour into the business and mentor my people at the highest level, I needed someone to pour into me.

At a Mastermind meeting in April where we talked about asking for what we want, I got up the courage to tell my business partner I wanted my own coach. She was characteristically supportive, and I set my sights on finding what I would need for my next level.

My initial idea was to hire an executive coach. I spoke to a wonderful coach who was there at the Mastermind with us, and while I didn’t doubt the value she could bring me, the timing didn’t feel like a full green light.

Two days later as I was packing up in our hotel room preparing to head back to Rhode Island from our meeting in Del Ray, Florida, I felt an impulse to reach out to a friend and colleague to ask about her experience with a manifestation coach we both knew. I really liked her style, and wondered if one of her programs might be for me.

My friend responded that she wasn’t sure the program was a fit for me, but that this coach was hosting a retreat in the Bahamas in a month that I should attend. I had a strong intuitive hit that THIS was where I needed to be next.

After some initial raised eyebrows from my business partner and wife that I was spending my executive coach budget on a week in the Bahamas (lol), everyone eventually got on board and I booked the trip.

This is how I found myself in a 35 million dollar mansion on the beach, surrounded by hopeful strangers, confronting insecurities I thought were long gone.


Are You Hearing and Seeing the Things All Around You?

I didn’t have many hesitations about showing up to live in a house with a bunch of strangers. I assumed everyone would be super nice and supportive since they were all students of energy work (they were) and that it would be a relatively chill time (it wasn’t).

When I got to the villa, I gazed out of the floor to ceiling windows at the gorgeous ocean view with a pink sand beach that looked photoshopped, listened to the gentle crashing of the waves and felt… weird.

An internal battle started to brew.

What was wrong with me? I was in paradise; I should be feeling abundant and grateful and powerful. And I kind of was.

But I was also feeling uncomfortable, out of place, and insecure.

The group seemed to know each other from previous programs, but I was new to this coach’s community. I drifted around making small talk but it all felt a bit forced. I felt awkward and disconnected from the people around me, and daydreamed about being here with my family and best friend instead of these strangers.

After our first full day, I was starting to get to know people a bit better and feel a little more comfortable, but there was still an offness.

I found myself wondering, “Was this really worth it? Was this a good investment? Do I even want to be here?”

I experienced this discomfort rising up in me, and felt a familiar pressure that I recognized; it was time to speak this out loud.

Despite feeling free and more connected when I was honest with others about feelings like this, every time my initial response to the strong impulse to share was, “Oh God REALLY? THIS? But it’s so minor and pathetic!” (In my experience, THESE are the things we most need to share so we can become free, although it’s annoying in the moment).

As the mic was passed around the giant, live edge wood table (with a gorgeous ocean view of course), I felt the building anticipation of what I had to do. I would be fully honest about how weird I was feeling. I already felt a tightening in my throat indicating this wouldn’t be my most graceful vocal delivery, but I committed anyway.

When the mic was handed to me, I stood up and through a cracking and constricted voice, shared how I was feeling.

To my surprise, I saw the other faces around me nodding emphatically and even tearing up a bit. I realized I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. I immediately felt more connected to the group.

After we all got up and started milling around the villa having cocktails and snacks, a woman came up to me. She said she appreciated my share and could relate to how I was feeling. Then she said something that totally shifted my understanding of manifestation.

“Earlier today on the boat, I told you how much I loved your bathing suit but you didn’t say anything. I think you have such a beautiful and unique style.” Others around us nodded in agreement, saying they had seen and heard this exchange go down earlier in the day.

I was floored.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was feeling self conscious about how I looked, what I was wearing, whether I fit in, I literally could not hear the compliments and support around me.

Everyone else heard it except for me. I was standing right next to her with perfectly good hearing, but I didn’t hear it.

I realized at that moment on a very deep level that the reason I couldn’t hear her was because I was not energetically aligned with her positive comment about my appearance. When I was focused on my insecurity and lack, I PHYSICALLY COULDN’T HEAR THE LOVE AND PRAISE AROUND ME!

How many other positive comments had I missed because I was too in my own head to hear them?

How much money had been trying to reach me that I hadn’t seen or heard because I was internally aligned with lack?

As soon as I had this realization, there was an immediate shift. I heard all the love and support from the people around me (maybe for the first time). Most importantly, I felt it for myself.

What if everything you want is already right in front of your face, and you simply can’t see or hear it because you are stuck in your own head focusing on lack?

What if manifestation is as simple as finally being able to experience the things that have ALWAYS been right in front of you?

Categories
Blog Business and Leadership

Understanding The Balance Between Healing Your Business and Growing It

Understanding The Balance Between Healing Your Business and Growing It

I was laser focused on rapid growth from 2016-2021, both in life and business. 

But something shifted for me in the last half of 2021. I started feeling my focus move more towards healing our company than scaling it.

It’s not that I’m stagnant now. Quite the opposite; this year I’ve helped generate more deep, genuine momentum in the business than I ever have before. And I still love to grow and go fast; healing and growth aren’t mutually exclusive. 

But I’m more patient and more willing to slow down to fully understand things instead of rushing along. I care more about health and alignment than momentum and vanity numbers. 

When I was focused on speed, there were little things, small tears in the fabric of the business that I brushed past. There were loose threads I didn’t feel ready to pull. I kept running and avoided the challenges I didn’t feel I had the time or the expertise to solve. 

This worked for a while, but eventually I started to feel unease. I didn’t feel aligned with the business anymore. I felt deep exhaustion. I knew it was time to go back and address everything that had gotten banged up during our breakneck pace, to meet the obstacles I’d been avoiding with compassion and patience. To give all those neglected aspects of the business the attention and love they needed to thrive. 

I don’t think that a focus on rapid growth is inherently a bad thing. There are certain periods where it’s necessary to get the momentum you need, but there are seasons for it. And aiming for fast growth during a season that should be focused on healing and strengthening is a mistake. 

When It Works to Focus on Rapid Growth to Build Momentum and Reach New Heights:

In 2017 our mantra was “Good Enough” (credit for this gem to my BFF Ella Fleming!) We labeled the entire year “Good Enough 2017,” and multiple times per day my business partner Jess and I would yell across the room in our shared office, “GOOD ENOUGH!” (Often followed by an enthusiastically dorky thumbs up). 

If you are a recovering perfectionist like me, you may be horrified by this. But “good enough” was the mantra we needed during this time, and we could not have achieved the business we have now without it. 

2017 was the year we made a massive shift from a team of contractors to a team of in-house, local employees. While we both had previous management experience, this was far more complex and challenging than anything we’d attempted before, and we were essentially winging it a lot of the time. We just had to keep going and figure it out as we went. It wasn’t always pretty, but we got where we needed to go.

By 2018 I was co-owner of Interview Connections and I was OBSESSED with getting the business from 400k (where we landed in 2017) to a million in annual revenue by the end of 2018. Every ounce of my focus was on hitting that revenue milestone and getting in the room with other women at that level. 

This dogged determination worked, and while we didn’t hit a million, we did double our revenue in 2018 and ended in the high 800s for the year. I kept my focus steady, and in 2019 we crossed the million dollar mark for the first time.

Not only was this intense growth focus necessary to hit the goal, it was a catalyst for a ton of important learning that wouldn’t have been possible if we had been going for a more modest pace. When you challenge yourself to grow that much that fast, your learning cycles become extremely rapid and the personal growth that results is incredible. 

Once we hit 7 figures, I immediately moved the goal post to 8 figures (as one does). I learned quickly that what it took to hit 10 million was very different from what it had taken to hit 1 million. 

Good enough was no longer good enough. 

2020 and 2021 were all about upleveling the company to be able to achieve and sustain 8 figures. (You can read more about that wild leadership journey here). 

What we learned in those years was exactly what we needed to get where we are now, and the lessons were invaluable. That learning gave us the experience and wisdom to recognize when it was time for a different approach.

What It Feels and Looks Like When Your Focus on Rapid Growth Needs to Shift:

If you are experiencing deep exhaustion, overwhelm, chaos, or a vague (but frequent) unease, it might be time for you to shift your focus to healing.

When we closed out 2021 at 3 million, it was clear that it was time to focus less on revenue and more on alignment, healing and strengthening.

Disharmony in the culture and inefficiencies in the structures of the organization that initially seemed minor had grown bigger as we grew. The stress on the team of living through a pandemic and the isolation of going fully remote only made matters worse. 

I had become too far removed from the service delivery side of things as layers of new leadership were put in place. There was misalignment and low level chaos resulting from not having the right people in the right seats, and leaders not having enough training and mentorship from us as owners. 

With all the best intentions, I had contributed to a culture of burnout and a general distrust in leadership. I told myself I was delegating and doing what I should be doing as the CEO, but I think part of me knew I was avoiding facing my team when I didn’t feel like I had all the answers.

I finally made a decision to stop avoiding and to face everything, regardless of whether I felt like I had the answers. 

When I made the choice to be fully present and face everything head on, the resources and knowledge we needed to solve our problems started to find me. We suddenly had the exact books and mentors we needed.

When you face what needs to be healed in your business instead of running away from it, you are able to attract the exact resources you need. 

Healing doesn’t provide the instant gratification of external growth, but the rewards are deeper. Slowly but surely, day after day, the culture has transformed. Team members are stepping up with brilliant ideas and solutions. Old inefficiencies previously written off as “just the way things are” are being rethought and dissolved. Trust and psychological safety are emerging and strengthening.

It’s not that things are easy now, but the newfound alignment is palpable. 

As CEO, I feel different. I feel powerful in a way that makes me realize how powerless I felt before. Misalignment had become so normal for me, I couldn’t even identify it until I experienced the opposite. 

The Unexpected Results of Focusing on Healing Your Company Over Growing It:

The deep irony of focusing on healing overgrowth, is that you end up growing.

As I write this, Interview Connections is thriving in a way I have never seen before, and soon the internal shifts will become obvious externally, as they always do.

And while it may look to the outside world like an overnight success story or the result of “hustle and grind” hard work, I’ll know that isn’t true.

I have absolute faith that our deep healing and re-alignment behind the scenes is what will launch us to the next level.